Teenage Stress

What can we do for Teenagers with Stress ?

Worried that your teenager is stressed? Teenage Stress is extremely common as teenagers growing up today in Britain are under a constant onslaught of stress and pressure. As parents life can be hectic, with many pressing priorities; work, juggling home responsibilities, raising a growing family, managing finances etc.  As most parents are very busy people, it is easy to miss the signs of teenage stress.

So what happens in your home at the end of a busy day?
You arrive home, prepare meals, encourage your youngest to eat their vegetables and your teenager to surface from their bedrooms and unplug from their mobiles or tablets! With so many demands on your attention, what do you make of your teenagers’ frequent absence from the family’s daily interaction? You may have noticed that at times your teenager has been withdrawn, appearing gloomy and defensive. They avoid family meal times and your efforts to talk about their day, is greeted with a groan, and that’s if you’re lucky. Your enquiries about how homework or revision is going often ends in a tense standoff with you being none the wiser.

Take some time to observe their behaviour without questions just for a little while. I know that this is difficult for you, because you find yourself worrying about so many unknown aspects of their daily life. You’re probably anxious that they might not be trying their best with their studies; you may be worrying about their social network and what they are getting up to when they go out.

Teenage Stress and Mood Swings

Could the sharp changes in their mood swings simply be hormonal changes or could it be something more sinister?
Often parents’ anxious enquiries, although well meant, may create a spiral in which they pursue their teenagers for answers who then withdraw and shut down. So what do you do? I have found that when by chance my waking moments have coincided with my nocturnal teenagers, I sometimes gain some insight into the mystery of what’s happening in their daily lives.

I usually have to listen patiently to their discovery of the latest video that’s gone viral, or some snippet of celebrity gossip while desperately wanting to yell ‘have you finished your revision?’

I have found that by trying to attend to their experience each time we engage, our relationships improve, and as they improve I have found that short neutral questions, without an insistence on lengthy answers often work best. The period of adolescence is often the most challenging for young people and parents alike. They are facing the pressures of expectations from us as parents, from their teachers and also themselves. They may not show it, but they are often keenly aware that good grades offer good opportunities for colleges or universities which in turn affect job opportunities in the future. They know this because as parents we tell them this often. We do this because as caring parents this is our job.

So how can we communicate with teenagers with stress and put across the important stuff without getting caught up in our vortex of questions which may include?

• ‘When’s the deadline for your coursework?’
• ‘Have you done your homework/revision?’
• ‘Why were you late for school/college today?’
• ‘Why haven’t you cleaned your room?’

We need to think carefully about the daily experiences that create teenage stress, anxiety and tension for our youngsters.

Exam nerves

‘There’s just too much to learn. I’m trying really hard to learn all this stuff but I’m scared I won’t do well enough and now nothing I read stays in my head!’

Pressure of homework/coursework deadlines

‘Oh no there’s yet another deadline for my work!! I’m halfway through history and geography but haven’t started my maths or English yet and that’s due by the end of the week!’

Parental pressure to achieve

My parents are always on at me to get my homework or revision done! They don’t seem to care that sometimes I feel as though I’m dying inside! They don’t understand the pressure I’m under!

Teachers’ pressure to do well

‘I just know when I walk in, my tutor will be talking to me, not about the work I’ve done, but about the stuff I’ve been late submitting! He’ll look at me with those ‘you’re going to be a failure’ eyes and lecture me about poor motivation and commitment to my studies!’

Perfectionism

This has got to be really good. I’ve got to get those A* grades nothing less is good enough. But it’s really hard, my predicted grades are C’s and I can’t get anywhere with those grades …. I may as well not try….I’m a failure’

Relationships

I’ll never be in with the ‘in crowd’ now it’s exam time everyone’s getting stressed and having parties to distract themselves from all of this pressure. I saw a group chat where they were talking about the party this weekend, they haven’t invited me…’

‘I really thought he/she liked me and just when I thought we had something special, I saw him/her with someone else.’

Now just imagine some or all of these pressures are uppermost in your teenager’s mind, how best to begin?

By realising that the vast majority of their fears and anxieties may never be expressed in a way that is collaborative or even diplomatic.

Your young person may present as angry, defensive, and withdrawn. What appears to you to be a reasonable question can be met with a barrage of argumentative responses that appear especially designed to break through your carefully constructed ‘patient parent’ approach!

To engage our young people we as parents need to find optimum moments for building positive relationships. These moments may be brief, but to be affective we will need to be patient and await an opening to invite them to share even the tiniest morsel of their experience.

Most importantly listen to them. Try to keep these conversations on their agenda just once in a while. In these moments you may attempt to carefully check out how things are going, resist the temptation to ask lots of questions or make lots of demands.

Bear in mind that many of the unspoken issues for young people involve:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Relationship difficulties with friends/partners
• Fear of failure
• Peer pressure
• Low motivation
• Low-self esteem
• Suicidal thoughts
• Self-harm
• Physical exhaustion

Supporting them to understand and share their emotional concerns is important. Helping them to care for their physical needs is also a priority. Encourage a balanced diet where you can. Check out whether their sleep patterns are being impacted by their use of social media. Encourage your teenager to recognise the link between low energy levels and poor sleep hygiene. Building an open relationship will take time and lots of patience. Sometimes things may go well, and at other times, not so well but it’s important to persevere.

How can you help?

Offer moments alone for chit chat. By offering a snack this is your opportunity to enter the sanctity of their bedroom with a casual check on how studies are progressing.

Change family routines where possible to grab a coffee or a bite to eat, away from the home environment, with your young person on their own, as this offers much needed distraction when weekdays and evenings are wall to wall with study. This also creates space for listening to their concerns.

Reach out to your teenager and offer a platform in which there is space for them to open up. Let them share their experiences, this will create the building blocks of positive relationships in which the pressures of adolescence can be shared.

How we can help

Teenage stress brings challenging times, families need time and space to address the causes of relational tension and consider appropriate solutions.

The Riverside Natural Health Centre offers opportunities to reflect on such complex issues via individual therapy, or group modules designed specifically in support of parents.

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